Jeremiah Rouge

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 03:55:37 GMT

Okay poll time. How many of you have had the chance to have sex with a drop dead beautiful blonde, dressed in nothing more than a barely there slave outfit, which might I add is based on a Star Wars Princess costume? Anyone? And if I added she is a vampire? The words best creature for sucking just about anything? Yeah, I thought not. So how lucky am I that I got to marry this girl. Now for part two, how many of you are good at sex? Any hands? Well, I am if she does scream so herself. And I say this with the greatest sense of bragging intended. I am good, really good. I make a woman come like she's pulling 6g's, while riding a naked rock-hard Blue Angel in a Fireman's hat. And yes, I will openly admit a good part of that skill is my partner. She's not exactly shabby herself, and if I was less of a man than I am, she would have me screaming right along with her. But, I digress. The point being this was a great Halloween, full of treats and a few tricks I was not aware she could pull off. I really love Angelin, and not just for the great sex, but the way she holds me when we just lay there together, or the way I feel her press back into me at night like I may get up and leave any moment. Right now, I rather enjoy life. Just as I enjoy sex with my wife.

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 07:15:01 GMT

I know I should be sleeping now, I should be nice and warm curled up with my wife in bed, but I just can't sleep. I can't sleep because I lay awake and think about where I went wrong. I think about how I wanted a family and a real life that was more than just blood and death on cold nights. The truth is I missed being a dad, I missed having little hands tug on me, and knowing that small smiles awaited me every morning. I miss being "daddy." I missed it all, the good and the bad of it. And I had to try, at least one more time.

But dreams have a way of dying on people. And when they do it's a pain that takes a lifetime to heal if ever. It's my fault thought, it's me fault that Angelin is unhappy now and we failed to have that family. She didn't want kids, I asked and she always said she wasn't ready. But then again, whenever do I listen? I pressed and waited until finally she gave in. And I did the worst thing one can do to another, I gave her false hope. We came close, so close to welcoming that new life, but in the end it was stripped from us, and all I managed to do was reduce her to tears. She thinks I blame her for what happened, and truth be, I blame only myself. I am enjoying the best sex of my life, and yet, I feel greedy in wanting it to end in a child.

So what now? What does one do when there is no more hope? Secretly I have been looking into ways to aid our attempts. Dark things written in books I don't think we are willing, or even sometimes able to attempt. I have travelled down to places in this town where people that claim to magics gather. I have tried creams, potions, chants, anything. Still, nothing works. I know have the woman I have always wanted in my life, and yet still somehow I feel incomplete. I know that she went to Steven for that normal life she wanted, and if he had never died maybe, just maybe she would have a child by now. Did I ruin something that could have been everything to her? I know I didn't kill the boy, but I never really helped them along either did I? I never reached out a hand and said "Good luck you two, I hope you have a good and happy life together." I should have, I should have as sire and as a friend. If I really loved her, maybe I should have just left once and for all?

But it's too late for all that isn't it? I try to forget, I try to forget that I was not what she wanted in life, that I am just what she now has left, but I can't shake it. I can see that things aren't right for her when I look at her. And when we make love, there is Steven's initials staring back at me every time, mocking me about how she will always belong to him, and I am merely keeping her happy until she can return to him. Angelin of course would say none of this is true, that it's all in my head and that she loves me to no end. I believe she loves me, I know that we have shared so much together that there is a bond no one else can ever have. But it pains me that I can't be everything for her, and it hurts me to know, that in the end, if soul mates do exists, it may not be me. I just don't know how to handle that.

I suppose in the end, the only thing I can really do is hang onto her and hope that not only will we get our miracle, but that in the end of things, I am the one she wants to be with. I know none of this seems very manly or kindred like, but I am not your normal kindred. I have feelings and wants as I did before I was changed. I didn't lose my unrests or desires, I just had to push them aside for a while. I love my wife, I wanted to share a real life with her. I wanted to see her holding our child.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 03:13:16 GMT

How did it all begin...?
Where did you meet?: The Tears Tavern. Sadly I was not he first one to see her.
When did you meet?: When Dami introduced her to us all.
Was it love at first sight?: No. It was more like, crush at first sight. When something that sweet and beautiful comes along, you take notice.
How Old Were You Both?: I was 23, and she was 16. Technically.
When did you have your first kiss?: In the doorway of the tavern..
Where was your first date?: I can't really remember? We were together so much before we were "together." I do remember the first time we had sex though, that counts.
How long until you met the parents?: Never parents, though I would have liked to.
When was it 'official'?: When I finally made her marry me. Before that I was more of a fling.

The good...
Whats your happiest memory of her?:The day she told me she loved me back. I know I should say when she became pregnant. But I feel that everything from that first i love you is all one wonderous experience.
Whats the sweetist thing she has ever done for you?: Telling me she would let us have a child.
Does she buy you lots of gifts?: No, but she gives me other things, I like those.
Whats your favorite thing to do together?: She's right, fuck. It's dirty I know. But it's the most intimate thing we can do together. And My God it's good with her. The cuddling after is pretty good as well.
When did you know you were falling in love?: When I saw her with a friend. I couldn't handle thinking he got to hold her and touch her, and I could not.
Who said 'I love you' first?: That would be me most likely.
Is it true love?: Forever, yes.
How do you know this?: Because no one had ever, or will ever make me as happy as she does.

The bad...
Whats her worst habit?: Covering up pain with sex.
What annoys you about her?: Making me choose between loving her, and sex. See above.
Has she ever hurt you badly?: Yes, but I am not here to blame her.
Would she ever cheat?: ..I hope not.
Has she to your knowlege ever cheated?: Not on me.
Do you trust her?: I trust her to always love me.

The ugly....
Best facial feature?: Her eyes.
Favorite part of her body?: No way I can narrow this down. She has the body of a teenager.
Hair colour?: Blondish..
What does she smell of?: Again, blood, sex, and me if I get my way.
Whats she wearing when you picture her in your head?: A smile.

Intimacy...
How do you feel when she holds you?: Loved..
How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in her arms?: At home.
How does it feel when she touches you?: Like the world stands still.
Does her touch give you goose bumps?: That, and something else.
Does she kiss your neck?: If she is not sucking on it.
Your tummy?: On her way back up.
Your forehead?: Not that I can recall, no.

Deep and meaningfull...
Could you be without her?: I have been, and I did not like it. I could live, but it would be a lonely life.
Do you think about her constantly when your apart?: Every moment.
How long have you been together?: Off and on for so many years I have lost count.
Can you see a future together?: I see my future in her eyes.
Would you like to get married?: We are, but I'd do it all again.
Have children?: Maybe, if we can. If not I will be happy with her love.
Where can you see your relationship in a years time?: I want to give her a new house, with kids.
5 years time?:Again, kids, and something more stable.
Do you know there is definatly no-one better out there for you?: Yes, I looked. And I always come back to her.
How do you know this?: I feel it in my heart and soul.
Are you scared she might find someone better?: Yes. I have nightmares all the time about it.
Is she your best friend as well as your lover?: She is my best friend, and my light.
Does she come first over everyone else in your life?: Always.
Would you die for her?: Easily, and I would live forever for her as well.
On a lighter note...

Whats the funniest thing you have ever done together?: The public sex game in pretty damn fun.
Say something that only you two understand: "Is that a plastic ball, or you?"
Do you have nick names for each other?: I call her Angel, and love. Maybe it's time I think of something.
Does she make you laugh?: Yes. Though sometimes I have to hold it back. She's not always funny by choice.
Do you wrestle?: Yep, through I am normally just trying to pin her down.
Is he tickelish?: Yes, here and there.
Are you?: A little, not too much.

Her Favorites...
Food?: Is it wrong to say me?.
Drink?: Blood, duh.
Sport?: Sex. Sex, more sex, and tonsil hockey.
Past time?: We sound like the worlds biggest pervs, but sex.
Animal?: Polar bears maybe?
Aftershave?: I hope she doesn't wear it.
Clothing style?: I have seen her wear anything from sweatshirts to lovely dresses. My favorite thing to see her in, is one of my shirts.
Band?: How about a wedding band?
Music?: SA nice mix. Maybe something we can dance to.

Your 'things'....
Song?: We need to get one of these.
DVD?: No freaking clue.
Place to hang out?: The roof of the Sil, or the shower.
Meal to cook together?: Oh we cook together, just never food.

Lasts...
Time you saw her?: A few minutes ago in the shower.
Kissed her?: In said shower.
Spoke to her?: Again in said shower. Some of it was dirty.
The last text she sent you?: "come home, i luv u". Best message ever.

When will you...
See her again?: When she is done toweling off.
Speak to her again?: When I help her towel off.
Tell her you love her again?: As soon as we get in bed.

Have you ever?
Spent the night together?: Tons of times. We are married you now.
Been on holiday?: We tend to make out on little holidays.
Met her parents?: I have always wanted to.
Had naughty time?: In public, the bedroom, bartop or car? You need to narrow this down or I'll give you an essay.
Made her cry?: Yes, but I have never meant to.
Done anything spontaneous together?: Our life is about spontaneous.

Lastly....
Is this love?: I have never loved anyone like I do her. I know it's love, and I know it will always be her.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 04:16:05 GMT

Errands, I spent the entire day doing nothing more than running errands. I took a few outfits of mine down the street to be cleaned. I also went to the store to get some cleaning supplies for the Sil, flowers for my wife, and I even went by a local toy store to see what I could pick up for the baby. I know the baby is gone, I have no delusions about it, but it seems like when you're doing these small things, life just flows by. There is something soothing in knowing that even though your life is a wreck, the rest of the world goes on. Angelin and I are enduring one of the hardest things we shall ever be faced with. And to the rest of the world, it couldn't mean less. Everyday people die, fathers, mothers, and children. And while this alters everyday of your life from then on, the rest of the world spins just the same. I don't know many things for sure these days. I don't know what I want from life, I don't know if I will ever be a father or if one day Angelin will decide to leave me again. All I do know is that right now, I'm in pain. I hurt right down to the soul I am not supposed to have. The only thing that keeps me going is Angelin, the love I have for her. If I can't have kids, I can live with that. I just live without her. And so I'm going to go give her those roses now, and just be happy that I have her there.

I love my wife, and I know she loves me.

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 21:00:43 GMT

It's been very long time since I wrote anything down, and I have a good reason. It's been a roller coaster of a month this time around. To my complete delight Angelin told me that we are expecting our first child. And while I must admit the attempt at the conception was more than a touch of fun, I was so glad to finally have a little bundle on the way. I spent two weeks changing on of the rooms here into a nursery for the baby. Everything for once was going right. I have the girl I love with me, and then a little one on the way. Or so we thought.

Sadly it seems fate is not going to be so kind to us. Angelin lost the baby a few nights back. No, I take that back, that doesn't sound right at all. Angelin didn't lose it, it's not her fault and I never want her to think I believe that. It just seems that I was never mean to be a father, at least not for very long. I miss having children around me. I know in my heart, whatever kind of monster I have become, that my true joy is taking care of others. And while I would be perfectly happing just taking care of Angelin for eternity, it felt right to have another little one on the way. Once she fell asleep, I spent the next few hours throwing up everything I had managed to acquire the night before. I'm better now, I think the reality is fading once again. All I can do is hope that the next time we find ourselves in this situation, the baby shall make it into the arm of his or her parents. As far as the little one that was lost is concerned, I will always consider you my child, born or not. Your parents will miss you very much, and your daddy will always hold you in his heart. Goodbye my little treasure, daddy loves you.

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 03:46:24 GMT

Oh, my, God. Last night was insane. I know I know, it seems all i do is talk about Angelin or sex. But this one is Angelin AND sex. Last night she dropped on me that she is ready to have children again, with me thankfully. I don't know what changed her mind, or why exactly now is the time, but I will not question it. Last night was both erotic, and with luck, productive. I suppose if she reads this she is going to know now, that I have been trying to get her pregnant for a long time now. Now it's not as bad as that sounds. she can't get so unless SHE wants to as well. So there was no danger of me really forcing her into it. I just couldn't bring myself to make love to my wife every night and not "give my all." I just hope she knows how much i love her, and that i will forever be with her and our family. As for the sex, I want more, and I want it now. I mean have you seen my wife? Who wouldn't want to go at that?

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 04:07:11 GMT

I fucking hate werewolves. Granted, I get the irony of hating an unnatural evolution, being what I am. But this shit fucking hurts, and for nothing more than me feeding in an area that some dumb fucking werewolf night club just happens to be in. What ever happened to glyphs? You know those little signs you guys put up to warn people? You can't get pissed off if I feed in an area you never bothered to mark. I know I killed one, but if I had not managed to get the hell out of that alley I would have been shredded by those damn things. One sure, two maybe, but five? I may be a blood sucker but I understand what a fair fucking fight is guys. Angelin is going to kill my ass herself, and these wounds are going to take a good week to even start to fade. My face hurts the most, forget the rest of me. I need a new vacation, or sex. But good luck to me getting sex while looking like this. I so fucking hate werewolves...those bastards need neutered.

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 16:39:31 GMT

There is a point when something stops being a love turns into an obsession. One could argue this point to me about Angelin. It's been how many years since I saw that little shy thing walk into the Blood Tears Inn? I remember how cute she looked in her dress. How the light shined off her golden hair, and her smile made the room light up. I won't say it was love on first sight, but I did know from that moment that this girl would mean something to me. How could I have ever known what it would turn into? If follow this girl to the ends of the earth just to make sure she was safe. I'd fight with her sires and lovers out of a need to see her loved, if not a selfish need to love her myself. She is everything I have ever wanted, and finally I have her. She is my wife, and I no longer have to watch her hang off another man, or curl up at night and wish she was beside me. It took me all of a week to see this is what I wanted in my life. It only took her a bit longer to figure out the same, and for that I cannot fault her. I love her, and while I may not be able to say it as poetically as she? I mean in no less.

You're the one for me.
Your eyes are like fire on a cold winter's day
Your soul burns within me
Your touch blossoms my innermost passions
And your voice melts my heart.
You're the one for me.
You are the key to unlocking
My most sacred fantasies.
You're the one for me,
The one that wakens me
When I'm at my deepest sleep
With your passionate ways,
The one that rivets me with
Your beautiful, unique face.
You're the one for me.
You are the one that I want to share
My life, my love with for all eternity.
I will love you always and forever.
You're the one for me.

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 20:52:11 GMT

I am not sure how exactly it started. It's all a blur in some ways and all too clear in others. I remember being at the bar watching couples dance, the music, the splendor of it all. A bar isn't quite the word I should use however, more like a ballroom with a two drink minimum. People twirl around in tuxes and evening dresses to grand musical scores. Angelin had gone back to the cabin for the remainder of the day to retreat from the sun, and I was just about to head off to join her when I noticed my wallet had vanished from the bar top. Not a huge loss, there wasn't much in it, but still it was stolen just the same.

So back to the cabin I went at this point until I saw a man leaning against the outer rail of the ship with what looked like my wallet in his hand. To be frank the guy looked like a used car salesman more than a thief. Or is that simply redundant? I do have to admit the balls on this guy are huge, to stand there in plain sight of anyone that walks by with another man's wallet. Him and two of his little buddies talking it up about this and that, how they should split the money and all that criminal crap. I'll admit to being angry, I'll even admit to being amused. But what happened next had nothing to do with either the wallet or the money inside. Money can be replaced as can some cheap leather wallet. No what happened next hinged solely on the words that left the man's mouth. A little comment offered to his buddies in a moment of jest I suppose. When he came across the picture of my new lovely wife, he made a comment, something on the order of. "Maybe should find this hot chick and give her a good fuck. She looks like she would be a fun bang. I'll even let you guys have a turn with her."

This is where it becomes a blur really. I remember the screams, I remember the blood, and I remember his two little buddies running off and laughing and leaving before I did anything. I am not stupid even in anger. You don't attack three men on a boat out in the middle of the ocean unless you kill them all. And even then, there will be questions on how someone goes missing. However I remember the third man, Mr. "Fuck my Wife," screaming in pain as I snapped his arm from behind. I didn't give him a chance to run, nor call for help, or even beg for his life. Nor did I even bother to kill him straight away. No, I tore his throat out for what he said. But not enough for a fast death, only enough to ensure his death would come. With my wallet in hand I kneeled before him and held up the picture of Angelin. I even took enough time to gloat about what I had done, saying something like, "I'm the one that fucks her, whereas your just simply fucked," or something on that order. And then I just tossed him overboard. I left him to die, alone in the sea, far away from this ship and the one thing on it that means something to me.

It was a challenge to get the blood off the deck, it took my shirt and quite a few minutes of scrubbing to get enough off to hide what I had done. With luck, no one will miss him for a few days. And even then maybe they will assume he fell overboard. I may be some kind of monster, but I regret nothing about this. We only have a few days left on this ship and I plan to enjoy them with her, not worry about what may happen about this guy. I went back to the cabin, slipped into the shower and removed his soiled blood from my skin. And before this ship docks I plan to find his friends, I am not sure if I will kill them for their part, but I damn sure intend to make them remember me. But right now I intend to slip into bed, wake my sleeping wife, and fuck her hard. Because that is what only "I" can do to her.

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 18:34:04 GMT

I never know where to begin on these things, and I am never sure why I even bother. But I suppose it's like some sort of release to be able to put down one's feelings like this. A way of expressing that which is hard to actually say. So, with that in mind we'll get going. I'm married. That's right, once again the solemn old vampire has found himself with a new love. Well, perhaps in this case not s a new love but an old one. Mrs. Angelin Vivalis Rouge, hell it even sounds nice to say. The story behind it is that after years of following this girl around like a little lost puppy, I finally got her to say yes. Or more to the truth we both got each other to say yes, because we both came up with the same idea at about the same time. I brought her to the place where I had intended to marry her, and she brought the paperwork, so that worked out fabulously.

And now here we are on this cruise for our honeymoon. I must admit to myself I am enjoying it quite a bit. They have dances at night which is perfect for us. Games, a huge pool, and food galore. Okay so the food part sucks, I really do miss eating food. One of the little drawbacks of eternal life I suppose. But worth it in the end to be forever with the one you love. I'll just have to force myself to enjoy the scent of the salt water at night, the coolness of the breeze that washes over the ship, or maybe it's the nonstop sex with the hottest woman I have ever known. I swear to God this girl has an ass that just makes you want to spend a lifetime doing not so sweet things to her. And I shall, repeatedly, and from many angles. But right now she is sleeping next to me, and it's really hard not to just reach out and let my fingers drift over her skin. I don't know how she managed to keep the same effect over me for so long. Ever since the day I first saw her all I have ever wanted to do was just touch her. To let my hands hold her close and make sure she wasn't some perfect angel I was simply dreaming up. It seems almost surreal that what I have wanted for so long is now actually mine. Things indeed can work out if you hold onto hope for long enough. and from where I am sitting, I think eterinty will be a great thing for me indeed. I love you Angelin Rouge, and I leave you with a few known facts.

1. Your a beautiful and wonderful woman.

2. Cruises are wicked fun, even if just at night.

3. I probably look odd in a bathing suit, so hold the laughing please.

4. In that conga line, some chick kept touching my ass, but no killing her.

5. I really love having sex with my wife. I'm all up for seconds, or twenty thirds.

I like being married...

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 08:30:58 GMT

Okay so what do I really have to report here? Let us see, first off the one thing I want to get off my chest is an odd request if not a tempting one. A dear old friend and lover of mine, you all know whom, came to me a few days back and flat out told me she wants a child. Not just any child, but mine. Now I made it very clear she can't have me back, but that doesn't seem to matter, she wants a child anyway. So, not having told my current and hopefully last lover this, I am guessing she'll freak out when she reads this. I mean someone comes out of the closet and says "Gee, bang me silly until I have a kid," that tends to shake up one's significant other. The good news for her is that of course I am not going to do it. Sure, I wants kids, I miss having kids, but I missed her much more when she was gone, and I am not so stupid as to lose her twice. Not for anything in this world.

So to show you just how much you do mean to me, please choose a nice dress and shoes you can dance in. We are going out tomorrow night for a little romantic adventure. Just you and I, and whomever else is lucky enough to be in our presence there. With luck it will be an evening you'll come to remember years from now. Merry Christmas Angelin Vivalis, I love you.

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 10:26:50 GMT

Tonight was fun. I lured Angelin out to the park for a bit of hunting. I have to admit I seem to have a bit of rust on my talents. The man I picked ran a good ten feet before I managed to take him down. Angelin's didn't even manage a step before she had torn his throat out. But then again she has something I will never have, boobs. A lovely set of boobs just perfect for....but I digress.

Anyway we hunted, we teased one another as always. And then I kinda I tugged her into that playhouse for a bit of carnal fun. You have never lived until you have fucked ina playhouse ten feet off the ground. Not to mention the perfect way a long slide will hold a girl in place when your using her for wicked and sinful desires. Get some footing in the sand, put her legs over the side and enjoy. Which reminds me, make a note to buy her more skirts, those things are damn handy. And the black boots love? Just so hot.

In fact, screw writing this, I'm ready for round two. Ohhhhh Angelinnnn....

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 11:30:35 GMT

Angelin, if you read this, come meet me at the park down the street after dark, I have a surprise for you. Oh, and as always I love you.

P.S. Don't plan on getting any sleep tonight.

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:10:02 GMT

I have neglected this thing for a while so I may as well out down something.

I have Angelin, I am having good sex, and I have a soild place to live. So in short I have a solid place to have good sex with Angelin....life is good.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 19:02:20 GMT

It's amazing the way things can go off course in life. I never thought I'd even see Angelin again let alone be back at the Sil. It seems in her pain she has let the place go so I have taken the time today to clean it back up to opening condition. She may chose never to open the doors to this place again, but if she ever does I'll make sure it's ready for her. I've been here for a couple days now, and it doesn't seem like she'll be back to her normal self any day soon. Who can blame her though right? It's not a small matter this time. It's not something I can cuddle away of tuck her in and have it all better by morning. I'll just remain here and do what I can. I sneak out sometimes while she sleeps just to feed. If she won't go out to do it, I'll have to make sure I have enough to share with her. Whatever else has come and gone, she still means quite a bit to me. So I suppose either both of us go on, or both of us stay walled up here forever. Either way, I plan to see this, and her, through to the end. I just wish I could help her more.

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 04:08:43 GMT

A single torn page from a journal would find it's self tacked to the door of the warehouse. For all those whom knew where they would have found him.

I love you all,
Until we meet again...
Goodbye...

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 20:29:24 GMT

I'm "TOYING" with the idea of going back with Alessia. I know I shouldn't being there were good reasons I left. But lets face it, reason one is getting married. So no use on being a damn fool. On a lighter note I have found a way to spend some of my free time. The church a few doors down from me has a nighttime deal where they take in the homeless and such so they don't freeze their asses off. They can get a nice meal and some shelter for nothing, so I volunteered to help. It will take up some of my time, and since I spent years preying on these people it is the least I can do for them. Wish me luck.

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 21:06:55 GMT

I need to feed soon. With Angelin wrapped up in her wedding plans, Alessia gone and well, no one else. I need to get out and hunt more. I ALSO need to find a way to vent off, well, sexual frustration. I hate being celibate. On the plus side I guess this keeps me out of trouble. It always takes out all the wicked fun. I have plans to make.

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 07:35:34 GMT

Plus side, Angelin has her true love back.

Minus side, In the process I am going to lose my only friend

Plus side, She is happy finally, only he could do that

Minus side, But I'm still miserable myself

Plus side, She is deeply in love

Minus side, So am I

Conclusion, Lost and Confused. Need something positive in my life, soon.

Another Turning Point

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 07:48:46 GMT

It's been a very long while since I put anything at all down in this thing, so we have quite a bit to catch up on. Angelin as always seems to be on the verge of insanity. Of course having the love of your life missing and locked up somewhere will do that to you. I do hope the boy is all right, for her sake as well as his. Things in my life however have also taken a little turn for the bizarre. My newest love interest and I have parted, or so it seems. We never talk anymore, at least not since that night of the fight. Of course this is what number fourteen I do believe? I'm getting really good at being really bad at this. So tonight I did what any warm blooded kindred would do, I found a lovely nice girl on her way home from work, I pinned her against a wall, and did my very best to fuck her into screaming submission. Not to worry however, I did feed, but not enough to harm her. Lord knows it may be nice to have something to go back to someday when I need it. It also surprised me how dominating and animal I can be when I am not worrying so much about how my partner is "feeling" about me. I understood by the screams she was more than willing to go on, but when I wasn't running all these ideas of "will she love me tomorrow" through my damn head, I actually had fun. I wasn't dwelling on how alone I was, or how much I wanted to impress her, I just did it. So we shall see what comes of this, pun fully intended. I never had a chance to enjoy being young, maybe it's time I started. After all, my car has a big back seat. I may take a lesson from Angelin and Dakota.

Sun, 22 May 2005 17:31:51 GMT

There comes a point in life when people need to let go. A point when a lost cause is just that. It's no secret my feelings for Angelin, everyone knows them, even Dakota I'm sure. I have craved nothing but to be with her for so long now. But the fact remains that she left me for another, and then in turn that one for yet another. In the best of all cases I am nothing more than third place to her. Now I can't be angry, I can't blame her. The heart wants what it wants, and at least she had the courage to leave me before deciding she wanted another. People change, plans change, and we must do out best to fit into the new world we made for ourselves. With that in mind maybe this new budding romance with Alessia is the best thing for us both. I shall no longer have to be alone, and Angelin shall not have her sire hanging about her like some lost child. I only wish I knew what to do, do I abandon hope for this new chance? Or hang in there a little longer in hopes someday she will return my feelings? I'll have to think on this, and in the mean time, no harm in a few dates with the lovely Alessia right?

Fri, 13 May 2005 06:49:25 GMT

You know real feelings never die. You can push them down, try to forget them, but they always come back. I don't want to forget my feelings, I don't want to pretend they don't exist. All my life I have turned away from things like this, given up and let my heart be broken because it was "The right thing to do." Maybe it's time to stop doing the right thing. If it means being happy, maybe it's time for a few wrong one's.

You came so suddenly into my life, within the mere blink of an eye.
Your love that tossed me in the air, and taught me I could fly,
And upon your sweet compassion, and such gentle loving words,
We traveled together hand in hand, and discovered a world unheard.
Of world true romance, compassion, beauty, and of trust,
We knew from the moment we entered, a world that is meant for us.

We ran like playful children, through such fields of joy and pain,
And still through every trial, it is our love which has remained.
Up above our moonlit sky, and so very far from sight,
We wait in thirst together, two children of the night.

And even through this distance, I love you all the more,
A lonely heart grows fonder, Con Bello Amor.

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 05:27:46 GMT

[Blood drops smear some of the entry]
[Mispellings are intentional.]

I'm hurt...

I made a mistak tonight, one of many in my life. And I am paying for it...
Never help a freind. In that case never try to make friends. Some friends stik with you, some. Not many I am afrid to say. Some ask for help and betray you. And I am sad to say that is most of them. Ive never had anyone stick by me through it all. They always turn on me in the end, and this time, muuch sooner. I am bleedng, I am cut in to mny places to count. I have lost too much blood to wandering the streets looking for food. I am close to the Sil, I may try going there. I only hope Angelin isn't around, maybe she closed it early again. I can't face her, not looking like this, not hungry, not ever. I lost too much blood, the wounds are not healoing. I broke my ribs under the claew marks on my left I thnk, I got stabbed in t he right side and that is not stopping bleeding. The bite on my neck wont stopp either. My wrist ios brokn on the left and my riht eye is almost shut. I loook like hell and feel much worse. I ned food, and rest. If only th bleading wold stop.

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 07:06:34 GMT

Dance
-with the woman with the strawberry lies
Hurt
-as I stare into fathomless eyes
Yearn
-to recapture her loving embrace
Bleed
-as my heart breaks in disgrace

I love her, I love her, why can't she see?
Why can't she love, or just let me be?

So many times have I tried to love a woman. Baalencia, Amorphia, Safire, Melody, Natalia, Seleya, Halley, Angelin, and now another...

I keep failing at this. Why is my quest to be happy so hard to finish. I never asked for much, just to be loved, wanted, needed. I know I can be a better person when this happens, I am tired of being dark, I am tired of being alone. Please God, if you have not yet forsaken me, please let me happy just once in this life, just once.

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 07:39:58 GMT

So it's been a while again. I think there is a law that says I must write in this thing at least once every few months, so here we go. Good news, my old GF came around again. Halley Wheaten, what a looker. You may recall that we lost touch long ago. I had thought she ran out on me, I guess other things happened. To cut right to the chase, my child, the one she was carrying at the time, is dead. That's right, another try at happiness now lost. I think that makes what, four kids I have lost? I guess God, or fate, or destiny, whatever you wish to call it, has now passed that message along pretty well. Your not meant to be happy, asshole! Give up trying to have a family, give up trying to have friends, and give the fuck up on ever being loved. If you were meant to be happy I wouldn't have made you look so good sitting alone in the corners.

On a lighter note though I can't go back in the Rose anymore. That little prick of boyfriend of Angelin's seem to get all pissed if I so much as share the same zip code as she does. The little fucker has the nerve to overdose, risk his life, treat her like some little piece of luggage, then get pissed off when someone tries to be around her and actually TALK TO HER. Those people have the nerve to think I am the monster? That I have problems? Maybe I do have some issues but I have never been a damn thing other than nice and hospitable to those people. The only people in that place that even speak to me are Morgan now and then, and Maiko, and Maiko seems to have gone one serious bye bye. Yeah, Seamus pauses long enough to take an order from me. I guess ripping flesh eating dog's off someone's fucking back is not cause for further conversation later on. Hell maybe he just forgot that we went through some shit together. Now Rose, personally, I like her. But I have had ONE nod from her, never a word. Angelin? Well you all know I am forever in love with her. But if I come to see her, I get this "Jeremiah is all about Angelin" bullshit. Well, yes, yes I am. One because I love her, and two? Because you assholes refuse to speak to me, what the fuck else am I supposed to do, talk to the chairs? You can't shut someone out of your precious little circle, and then bitch when they seem single minded for some form of social interaction. But okay, okay, I am done ranting for tonight. I have to save some space for tomorrow. So for now, this is all I have to say about this. For those of you that care, love you all. For those that don't...well you can't see the finger I'm holding up.